NAMING AND DESTINY

(NOMEN EST OMEN)

From the newsletter of the

COUNCIL-OF-CONCERNED-CONSERVATIONISTS

“Starbuck’s

sharpening his harpoon

The black man

is playing his tune

An old salt’s

sleeping his watch away

He’ll be drunk again

before noon”

—Felix Pappalardi, Gail Collins

https://tipolitics.com/starbucks-are-now-effectively-homeless-shelters-fae17803001a

At last! After years of speculation regarding the significance of naming the coffee chain Starbucks, we have an answer.

The founders originally considered naming their business Pequod’s—which would have been equally foreboding. In the end, they claimed to have chosen Starbucks simply because they liked the sound. But perhaps there was also an unconscious, archeo-futuristic impulse at play: invoking a figure from antique literature who initially bucked authority, while simultaneously gesturing—perhaps unintentionally—toward space travel.

Little did they know that the ancient principle we adhere to—nomen est omen, the belief that names shape destiny—would guide their fate as surely as it sealed Starbuck’s aboard the doomed Pequod.

This raises an important question: Should there be an authority to approve baby names—and business names?

With our experience in this field, the Council is well-positioned to assume that mantle. Guidance is needed. We could even offer this as a paid service, helping raise funds since so many of our members remain delinquent on their dues. Yes, yes—same old tune. But necessary.

We’ve previously noted that the hardy Icelanders maintain such a naming commission. The French too exercise cultural vigilance, guarding their language against foreign intrusions.

Let us recall that Starbuck was the sanctimonious first mate in Moby-Dick, that great American allegory. The multicultural project of E Pluribus Unum seems increasingly to defy historical precedent and deny the tribal nature of humankind.

Though the Quaker Starbuck initially resisted Captain Ahab’s vengeful madness—his symbolic assault on Nature—he ultimately relented and perished with the rest of the crew (save Ishmael). He lacked the strength of character to truly dissent.

Likewise, the founders of Starbucks hailed from the Pacific Northwest—an area settled largely by European-Americans of the palest variety. This perhaps mirrors Starbuck’s early resistance to Ahab’s madness. But the Pequod was crewed by a multicultural ensemble, each willingly enlisted in Ahab’s impossible mission. Sound familiar?

And now, the once-expanding but increasingly beleaguered coffee chain seems fated to end as a cautionary tale: a haven for homelessness and performative righteousness. One could argue its doom was encoded in its name, just as Starbuck himself was doomed by his acquiescence.

We will, however, miss the lemon pound cake.

NOMEN EST OMEN!