THE ODYSSEY OF BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD

Episode 2: “Decline of the Dumbkind”

Or: “This Class, Like, Rules.”

[INT. A HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM – AFTERNOON]

(The bell rings. Beavis and Butthead slouch in their chairs, surrounded by cracked maps, a dusty globe, and a projector from the 1970s. The chalkboard reads in Gothic script: “HISTORY—Dr. O. Spengler.” A man enters in a dark frock coat. It is Oswald Spengler, looking exactly like his 1920s self, with a piercing brow and the permanent expression of someone disgusted with modernity.)

SPENGLER (with thick Germanic gravity):

Silence. Today, we begin the study of decline.

BUTTHEAD:

Uhh… cool.

BEAVIS:

Y-yeah! DE-CLIIINE! Like… falling off a cliff and exploding and stuff!

SPENGLER:

You laugh like children. But you are not children. You are the Fellah—spiritually exhausted, urban man. You are what remains when the Soul of a Culture has ossified into Civilization.

(Beavis and Butthead stare, slack-jawed.)

BUTTHEAD:

Uhh… what’s a “fellow”?

BEAVIS:

Heh heh… like a Fellow of Rock…

(Makes devil horns)

I am the Soul of Civilization. FIRE!!!

SPENGLER (unfazed):

You are not souls. You are symptoms. Do you think this—(gestures to the broken wall clock, flickering fluorescent light, and pile of juice boxes)—this is becoming? This is the late phase. This is the winter of your world.

(He writes dramatically on the board: “CULTURE—CIVILIZATION—FELLASATION.”)[1]

SPENGLER (cont’d):

The ancient Egyptian peasant and the Roman proletarian were also Fellah. The essence of life had withdrawn from them. They no longer made art—they watched it decay. Like you.

BEAVIS:

Whoa. That’s, like… messed up, dude.

BUTTHEAD:

Heh heh… We’re, like… history zombies.

SPENGLER:

Exactly. The Faustian Culture is at its end. Space—once infinite, striving, cathedral-building space—is now the flat screen. You do not reach toward the stars. You sit. You… consume.

(Beavis looks at his half-eaten burrito. Butthead crushes an empty soda can against his head, contemplatively.)

BUTTHEAD:

Uh… is that why everyone sucks now?

SPENGLER:

Yes. But also because Destiny demands it.

(Beavis raises his hand.)

BEAVIS:

Um, so… is there gonna be a test on this? Or do we just, like… wait to become fertilizer for the next culture?

SPENGLER:

That is a beautiful way to put it, Beavis.

BEAVIS (awed):

He called me beautiful… Heh heh… I am, like, a sacred corpse!

(A long pause. Butthead slowly raises his hand.)

BUTTHEAD:

So like, uh… is there any way to not suck?

SPENGLER (softening):

Maybe. You must live with form. Not “freedom,” not “progress,” not your precious convenience. But form—the way the Gothic arch pointed heavenward. The way Napoleon carried the spirit of Empire like an aura.

BEAVIS (tearing up):

I wanna carry an aura, too…

SPENGLER (placing a hand on his shoulder):

Then begin by not watching television.

BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD (in horror):

WHAAAAT!?

[INT. LATER – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – THE BOYS WALKING HOME]

BEAVIS:

Dude, we’re, like… part of the end of everything.

BUTTHEAD:

Yeah. That was, like… the smartest thing I ever heard. Heh heh. I think I got a culture boner.

BEAVIS:

We’re gonna, like… be epic… for the next culture that rises from our rotting corpses.

BUTTHEAD:

Cool. We’re, like… fertilizer for future badass dudes.

BEAVIS (chanting):

Cuuuulture! Civiiiilization! FELLAAAAAH!

BUTTHEAD:

Heh heh. You said “fella.”

(They walk off as the sun sets, humming Wagner, almost in harmony.)

[FADE OUT]

**************

[1]ALTDEF: Fellasation

fel·la·sa·tion (n.)

1. The final cultural stage in which once-heroic peoples become passive observers of their own reruns.

2. A slow-rolling metaphysical flattening in which memes replace myths and the sacred is reduced to “meh.”

3. The process by which Civilization turns its youth into punchlines instead of patriots.

“The Fellah no longer creates history. He reviews it. Or worse—reacts to it with a laughing emoji.”

— The Annotated Spengler for Dumbasses, Vol. III

Filed under: Decline Studies, Spengler for Slouchers, Cultural Composting