On the MAHA Initiative — Make America Healthy Again by Making America Grate Again

From: A Word Edgewise:

Letters to the editor of the C-of-C-C Newsletter.

Concerning a Recovered Letter to the Editor of The Journal of the Study of the Psychogeography and Realpolitik of Cheese

Authored by J. St. Evola, Originally Dated November 2016, Reprinted in Light of Current Relevancies (MAHA), as It Was Then, and as It Ever Shall Be

MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN

To the Editors:

While it is too early to tell how effective President-Elect Trump will be, we in the cheese-realist wing of psychogeographic commentary maintain cautious optimism. It is no secret that The Journal has, shall we say, curdled toward Trump. Considering the alternatives, what choice did we really have?

Yet even optimism must not outpace responsibility. In that spirit, we offer our first official criticism of the incoming administration. As documented in the link below, Mr. Trump lent his personal flair to a trend that threatens not just waistlines but civilizational integrity: the mass promotion and overconsumption of soft cheese—particularly in its most vulgarized form, the stuffed crust.

Yes, It Was Donald Trump Who First Introduced Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Crust to the World

The American meal, already a caloric tragedy, has been warped by high-fat, low-dignity cheese products—most of which are not true cheeses at all, but coagulated simulations: cheese food, cheese product, plastic cheese, the single. The sociopolitical implications are dire. Lactose intolerance cuts across multiple demographic lines. A realpolitik of dietary inclusivity would counsel restraint, not provocation.

The dairy lobby, with its fake mozzarella mandates and ersatz provolone propaganda, must be checked. If the President truly wishes to build unity, he should consider a different path. We propose a new platform: MAHA — Make America Healthy Again. At its core: a pivot toward grated cheese.(We are going to take credit for this retroactively because we first proposed it.)

Grated cheese—real, hard, aged cheese—is a symbol of conservation, thrift, and cultural memory. It speaks to the resourcefulness of the Southern Italian contadini, who used it sparingly to elevate bitter greens, coarse grains, and labor-earned legumes into something sublime. Broccoli rabe, dandelion, and eggplant became feasts not through excess, but through finesse. Cheese was never the meal—it was the whisper of luxury, a grated benediction.

Epicurus himself, as reported by Diogenes Laërtius, requested only “a little pot of cheese” so that he might indulge modestly when moved.[1] We commend this to Mr. Trump, who may benefit from such Stoic-Epicurean balance. A life of disciplined richness, not overstuffed crusts.

Indeed, among the first generation of Southern Italian immigrants, obesity was virtually unknown. Photos from the era show wiry frames, lithe musculature, and the proud scowl of people who survived through bitter herbs and hard cheese. Plumpness was seasonal, maternal, metabolically purposeful—not the byproduct of endless ricotta dollops and drive-thru parmesan “dust.”

As a first step in reshaping national dietary consciousness, we urge the President to consult the recently ratified Postmodern Pecorino Romano Protocols, outlined in what has come to be known within the Council as The Velveeta Accord.[2] This brief yet binding policy paper charts a new path away from processed dairy simulacra and toward the grater truths of culinary tradition. We offer it as a framework for the MAHA Initiative—Make America Healthy Again. In the war against symbolic malnourishment and gastrointestinal despair, it is not enough to cut calories. One must also cut the cheese responsibly.

In closing, we urge the President to consider a shift—not just in policy, but in palate. Let him retire the neon-cheddar nationalism and adopt instead a grated-Pecorino Romano populism. Let the new red hat say:

MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN.

(Misspellings optional, but no more than one per hat.)

—

Originally authored by J. St. Evola, reprinted with annotations approved by the Council-of-Concerned-Conservationists and filed in the Word Edgewise column as a founding document in the MAHA Initiative

FOOTNOTES:

[1]Diogenes Laërtius, Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, Book X, on Epicurus.

[2] The Postmodern Pecorino Romano Protocols — as Ratified under the Velveeta Accord

Filed under: Digestive Semiotics, Dairy Realpolitik, and Cultural Grating Strategies

By Turner Frazier, Pun Defender and Chief Culinary Strategist, Council-of-Concerned-Conservationists

Preamble

We, the undersigned members of the Council-of-Concerned-Conservationists, in solemn assembly and mild gastrointestinal distress, do hereby recognize the need for strategic guidance in the symbolic and nutritional deployment of cheese in a post-lactose-tolerant era.

In a time when meaning melts faster than morals and processed cheese passes for policy, we affirm the grated over the gooped, the aged over the engineered, the sharp over the bland.

Article I: Naming the Crisis

The misuse of cheese—particularly processed, emulsified, shelf-stable dairy simulations—has led to what Council ethnographers refer to as the Velveetening of Civilization: a decline in texture, discernment, and gastro-cultural identity.

The crisis is not merely dietary. It is semiotic. Cheese, once a symbol of patience, fermentation, and terroir, now slouches in shrink-wrap toward the grave of meaning.

Article II: Definitions and Taxonomies

Cheese shall refer to any dairy-based product born of bacterial cooperation and temporal humility. Cheese Product shall refer to its fallen cousin—engineered for shelf life, spectacle, and economic efficiency, not gustatory integrity. The Grate Divide shall refer to the spiritual and political rift between traditional cheese users and melt-worshippers. Parmeseuticals are those metaphysical flakes of wisdom grated atop otherwise bitter truths.

Article III: The Grating Clause

No meal shall be overwhelmed by cheese product when a modest grating of real Pecorino Romano could suffice.

Let this be the rule: A little cheese makes a bitter thing bearable. A lot of cheese makes a lie delicious.

The former is conservation. The latter, propaganda.

Article IV: Institutional Applications

Cafeterias funded by public monies shall replace nacho cheese dispensers with culturally dignified graters. Council kitchens shall stock no cheese with more ingredients than syllables in its name. Educational pamphlets shall be distributed titled “From Curds to Coherence: A Child’s Guide to Dairy Integrity.”

Article V: The Velveeta Accord

Let it be recorded that on this day, the Council formally rejects the validity of Velveeta as cheese, though we acknowledge its role as a historical artifact of Cold War culinary trauma.

Henceforth, any cultural product metaphorically described as “Velveeta” shall be treated as a warning label.

Conclusion and Affirmation

“The truth, like the finest cheese, must be aged, aired, and applied with care. Anything else is just product.”

— John St. Evola, Memo from the Booth

Ratified by unanimous vote, except for Miss Noor Singha Grudj, who abstained on grounds of dairy sensitivity but voiced strong support for the metaphor.

Filed in the Gist & Tangent Vault. Laminated against spillage.

Filed under: Digestive Semiotics, Dairy Realpolitik, and Cultural Grating Strategies

By Turner Frazier, Pun Defender and Chief Culinary Strategist, Council-of-Concerned-Conservationists