YELP REVIEWS OF BEING.

A Council Catalogue of Philosophical Karens.

by Rey Pierre-DeWitt, Chaos Coordinator.

“How did I get into the world? Why was I not asked about it and why was I not informed of the rules and regulations but just thrust into the ranks as if I had been bought by a peddling shanghaier of human beings? How did I get involved in this big enterprise called actuality? Why should I be involved? Isn’t it a matter of choice? And if I am compelled to be involved, where is the manager—I have something to say about this. Is there no manager? To whom shall I make my complaint?”

— Søren Kierkegaard

Thus spoke the first Karen of Being. Before Yelp, before comment cards, before TripAdvisor tantrums, there was Kierkegaard — demanding to see the Manager of Existence.

And once you notice it, you can’t un-hear it. Nearly every philosopher that followed has left some version of a review: some one-star rants, some grudging three-star shrugs, and a rare few four-star hymns.

The Council-of-Concerned-Conservationists, in our ongoing work of cataloguing the human comedy, has gathered these fragments into a ledger we call Yelp Reviews of Being. Not because we expect the Manager to reply, but because the complaints themselves — and the occasional compliments — reveal what is most at stake in conserving existence at all.

Exhibit A: Søren Kierkegaard

⭐⭐☆☆☆ Being & Co.

“Compelled to sign up without consent. Rules unclear. Staff evasive. Tried to escalate to a manager—apparently there isn’t one. Classic.”

Exhibit B: Friedrich Nietzsche

⭐⭐⭐☆☆ Übermensch Café

“Great energy, strong flavors. Staff promises eternal return of the same menu — frankly exhausting. Manager nowhere to be found, but rumor has it he died last century. Would come back, but only if I can will it.”

Exhibit C: Martin Heidegger

⭐⭐☆☆☆ Dasein Dining Hall

“Ambience is moody, lighting dim. Staff insists on authentic Being-there, but keeps serving nothingness on the side. Tried asking the waiter who’s in charge — he just muttered about ‘the clearing’ and walked away.”

Exhibit D: Albert Camus

⭐⭐⭐☆☆ Absurd Bistro

“Menu makes no sense, but the coffee is strong. Daily special is ‘The Plague’ — overpriced, but filling. No manager in sight, but the barista just shrugs. Three stars for the sunlight and the sea view.”

Exhibit E: Jean-Paul Sartre

⭐☆☆☆☆ Nausea Nook

“Tables sticky. Staff sweaty. Everything reeks of contingency. Tried to complain to management, but the waiter said I was condemned to freedom and stormed off. Would give zero stars if possible.”

Exhibit F: Emil Cioran

⭐☆☆☆☆ The Nihilist Lounge

“Awful. Just awful. Shouldn’t exist. The décor is despair, the music is misery, the staff are corpses with name tags. Manager? If there was one, I’d pity him. One star because zero stars still implies a rating.”

Exhibit G: Jack Kerouac

⭐⭐⭐☆☆ On the Roadhouse

“Service is spotty but the jukebox is sublime. You never know what you’ll get, but sometimes the hash browns taste like heaven. Manager’s out back with a jug of wine and a notebook. Three stars — gotta keep moving.”

Exhibit H: Carl Schmitt

⭐⭐☆☆☆ The State of Exception Steakhouse

“Menu says ‘open to all,’ but the chef decides who eats. Kitchen claims to follow rules, then suspends them when convenient. Asked to speak to the manager — turns out the sovereign is the manager. Two stars: efficient during emergencies, but don’t trust the specials.”

Exhibit I: Oswald Spengler

⭐⭐⭐☆☆ Decline & Diner

“Décor magnificent but fading, cuisine once grand now reheated. Service suggests a civilization past its prime. No manager in sight, just busboys rearranging silverware as the empire closes. Three stars for nostalgia, minus two for inevitable doom.”

Exhibit J: Alain de Benoist

⭐⭐⭐☆☆ Nouvelle Droite Café

“Eclectic menu. Some dishes taste authentically rooted, others feel like ironic fusion. Staff insists identity is on the plate, but still serve Coca-Cola on the side. Manager dodges questions about origins. Three stars for effort, though service is… derivative.”

Exhibit K: G.K. Chesterton

⭐⭐⭐☆☆ Orthodoxy Inn

“Chairs too modern, ceiling too low, bread not crusty enough — but the beer is superb and the paradoxes on tap are unmatched. Complained about the lampshades, then admitted they were actually delightful. Three stars, upgraded to four when I realized the complaint was the compliment.”

Exhibit L: Jean Shepherd

⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ The Old Man & The Meatball

“Atmosphere pure Midwestern irony. Waiter keeps telling long stories about electric gadgets and the human comedy. Ordered meatloaf, got baloney, but somehow it was perfect. Knocked off a star because the staff keeps muttering about ‘creeping meatballism.’”

Exhibit M: Carrie Nation

⭐☆☆☆☆ The Saloon of Existence

“Walked in and found men sprawled at every table, glass in hand, morals in the gutter. Management profits off vice while families starve. Asked for water, was offered whiskey. Took my own hatchet to the décor. One star — and that’s generous. Close this place down.”

Council Commentary

And so the ledger of complaints continues. The one-stars sharpen the sense of grievance, but the three- and four-stars remind us that existence, however absurd, still serves up beauty, humor, and a decent pint.

Here at the Council-of-Concerned-Conservationists, we confess a preference for those reviewers who glimpse the glimmers of goodness — Chesterton raising a paradoxical toast, Shepherd chuckling at the meatball. Yet we do not entirely dismiss the Karens of Being, for their sighs and scowls remind us what is at stake when the meal is refused.

Indeed, there is something else at work. Behind the nagging tone is a restless striving — a refusal to settle, a hunger for a Manager who might listen, a demand that reality justify itself. It is easy to sneer at the Karen, but harder to admit she is also a kind of Promethean — forever lodging complaints because she believes there should be better fire. Perhaps even Faustian, in her way: dissatisfied, suspicious of the menu, always pressing for more.

If so, then the Karen of Being is not only a pest but also a prophet — her one-star reviews a strange kind of conservation, preserving the ache that keeps humanity from sinking into complacency. And in that sense, the Council listens to her too.