How to Stop the Weather by Talking About It.

A Council-of-Concerned-Conservationists Seminar on Climate Change: 

COUNCIL TRANSCRIPT

Filed by Paige Turner, Sub-Sub Librarian.

Opening Address by Peter R. Mossback, Athwart Historian

“Brethren of Concern, I rise to speak of ice. It has come to my attention that even the Bishop of Rome has taken to blessing frozen water. Some call it pagan; I call it reactionary.

For the Church once baptized rivers and crowned mountains with saints. It welcomed flux, absorbed change, and never tried to stop the tides. But now a pope sprinkles holy water on a glacier’s stand-in block, as though the goal of Christianity were to keep the climate as it was in 1987.

Let us be clear: glaciers advance, glaciers retreat. They carved our valleys, they abandoned our plains, they will one day return. The water does not vanish; it waits. If not for us, then for another epoch. To sanctify the present arrangement of ice is like blessing a snowman against the coming sun.

I submit to you, Council, that the truly progressive thing is to adapt, not to freeze. The truly conservative thing is not to sanctify the temporary but to endure the permanent fact of change. That, after all, is why I stand athwart history: not to stop the current, but to remind men that they cannot.”

Questions from the Council

Dr. Faye C. Schüß:

“Mr. Mossback, suppose the Council had power over climate. What form would our intervention take? Prescriptions? Psychiatric evaluations for glaciers?”

Mossback:

“Doctor, we could issue as many directives as we like, but the ice will not listen. It does not suffer neuroses. It suffers gravity.”

Mrs. Begonia Contretemp:

“Darling, if we had the power, I should insist on a climate that preserves my wardrobe. Humidity is the true enemy of silk. Might the Council legislate against dampness?”

Mossback:

“Madam, if decrees could dry the air, the Sahara would be lush with orchids. Alas, your hems must learn resilience.”

The Accidental Initiate:

“If the Council controlled the climate, would we not also control history? And if so, would I finally understand why I was aware of decline at such a young age? Or is that simply the weather of my soul?”

Mossback:

“You, Initiate, are proof that climate is not the only thing that shifts unpredictably. History is no less moody than a sky in April.”

Cliff Langour:

“Suppose we declare war on CO₂? Could we not hire mercenaries to shoot it down like ducks in season?”

Mossback:

“A charming vision. But the carbon will not line up for inspection. It is too small to salute.”

John St. Evola:

“Peter, I must intervene not as a philosopher, but as a man who once wore coveralls and carried a tool bag. In my working life as a fire and ice technician, I personally helped plug that hole in the ozone layer. I bought the expensive reclaim equipment, recovered the freon, logged the pounds, and sent it off for purification. That was my contribution to planetary repair.

But tell me — did our work on ozone have any bearing on this thing we now call global warming, or are we congratulating ourselves for patching one leak in the roof while the furnace keeps on burning?”

Mossback:

“A fine question, Mr. Evola. Allow me to answer as best I can: the ozone hole was indeed patched, or at least shrunk, thanks to technicians such as yourself and the Montreal Protocol that stood behind you. But the ozone layer shields us from ultraviolet light, not from carbon heat. The one was a filter for sunlight, the other is a blanket of gases. Different leaks, different furnaces.

Yet your point stands: we fixed one problem with wrenches and discipline, and now imagine we can fix the whole climate with slogans. Your freon logs were real. Our climate resolutions are more like prayer wheels spun in a gale.”

Eugene Bodeswell:

“What if we did nothing? Would not inaction itself be a form of cultural conservation?”

Mossback:

“Precisely, Mr. Bodeswell. There is dignity in recognizing limits. Our greatest act may be to stand still, gathering moss, while glaciers perform their ancient dance untroubled by our applause.”

Intervention by Ray Pierre-DeWitt, Chaos Coordinator

Ray (rising from the back):

“Mr. Moderator, point of order! We’ve exhausted the grandiloquence of what the Council might do about the climate. I propose we enter into the record a song that has already answered the question with more honesty than any of us. Henry Phillips asked it plainly:

If we are to pretend the Council can manage glaciers, let us at least be accompanied by his guitar. Otherwise, we risk taking ourselves more seriously than the ice does.”

Chair’s Response:

“The motion is carried.”

Addendum to the Minutes

Filed by Paige Turner, Sub-Sub Librarian

At the insistence of our Chaos Coordinator, the following citation is entered into the official minutes, as an enduring reminder of the absurdity of believing we could completely govern climate by committee:

🎶WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT🎶