THE LABEL MUST EXIST!

—Regarding a label whose purpose is fulfilled by its own existence.

—Brought to you by OOFAH — the Online Ontologists For Absurd Humor, an ad hoc organization of the C-of-C-C

It took us a few minutes to understand this notice. At first, it seemed absurd: how would one know to report a missing label if the label itself were missing? The confusion lasted longer than it should have—and that delay turned out to be the point.

The notice appears to be a substantial metal label, likely issued when a vending machine is registered for taxation or regulatory purposes. Its usefulness becomes clear only in context. Vending machines often appear in clusters. Seeing a properly labeled machine teaches you what to look for, allowing you to identify those without labels and report them—possibly for a cash reward.

The problem arises with a lone vending machine. Without another labeled example nearby, the absence of the label is unknowable. On first reading, the question resurfaces: “How would you know it’s not in compliance if the label is missing?” The answer, eventually, is comparison. The label is legible only in a population, not in isolation.

At that point the absurdity evaporates. The system makes sense. What remains amusing is not the regulation itself, but the amount of time spent thinking about it. The fun was in the thinking, not in uncovering a flaw.

We therefore recommend that senior citizen members of the C-of-C-C with time on their hands consider traveling to rest stops and other venues where vending machines congregate, checking for missing labels to earn a few extra dollars. Members not in need of cash might follow the same example purely as a mental exercise—to locate small, harmless absurdities as a way of staving off cognitive decline.

In the end, the label makes sense. The remaining absurdity belongs not to the regulation, but to the reader who paused over it longer than required. In that sense, the exercise resembles a harmless Kafkaism—no accusation, no penalty, no trial—just a moment of voluntary delay in which the mind discovers it has complied with nothing more than its own curiosity.

— Justin Aldmann

C-of-C-C Newsletter expert on retirement, senescence, infinity, and beyond

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The original label in plain text in case you find it missing somewhere:

FLORIDA LAW REQUIRES THIS NOTICE TO BE POSTED ON ALL FOOD AND BEVERAGE

VENDING MACHINES.

Report any machine without a notice to 1-800-352-9273. You may be eligible for a cash reward.

DO NOT USE THIS NUMBER TO REPORT PROBLEMS WITH THE VENDING MACHINE SUCH AS

LOST MONEY OR

OUT-OF-DATE PRODUCTS.