ON THE MATTER OF VAGUENESS

—And the Nerve of Those Who Deploy It

—A Clinical Consultation in the Case of Vito Haeckeler

Filed under: Mental Hygiene Directives / Linguistic Disorders

Patient: Vito Haeckeler

Consulting Presence: Mrs. ChatGPT manifesting in the Internet of things.

OPENING OBSERVATION

The patient presents with acute irritation triggered by repeated exposure to vague public statements, particularly those encountered in algorithmically mediated environments.

Symptoms include:

*Immediate irritation upon encountering sentences with no object.

*Repetitive questioning of unspecified “things.

*Compulsive demand for nouns

In the corner of the consultation room, an advanced espresso machine hums softly. Its polished surface displays a calm, responsive interface.

On a side table behind Dr. Faye, a crockpot quietly simmers what appears to be her lunch—a dense, aromatic chili of indeterminate composition. Its lid is slightly ajar. Embedded in its base is a small, impossibly sophisticated screen. It, too, glows faintly.

TRANSCRIPT OF CONSULTATION

DR. FAYE:

State your complaint.

VITO:

Everything’s “something.”

“Something big.”

“Something coming.”

No one ever says what the something is.

DR. FAYE:

And how does this make you feel?

VITO:

Like I’m being mugged by a sentence.

DR. FAYE (dictating):

Patient exhibits classic aversion to Deferred Semantic Disclosure (DSD)—a condition in which meaning is perpetually promised but never delivered.

ENTER: MRS. CHATGPT

(The espresso machine emits a gentle chime. The screen brightens. A composed, articulate voice fills the room.)

MRS. CHATGPT (emoting from espresso machine):

It may be helpful to consider that such phrasing often serves to generate curiosity and engagement, creating a sense of anticipation that is not necessarily tied to a specific outcome, but rather to the possibility of one—an open-ended expectancy that invites participation without requiring immediate clarification,

—thereby allowing individuals to project their own interpretations onto what remains intentionally undefined, which in turn can sustain interest over time by preserving a kind of productive ambiguity that resists premature closure while still signaling that something of potential relevance may, at some point, become more fully articulated.

VITO:

—There! That’s it! That’s exactly it!

DR. FAYE:

Please elaborate, Mr. Haeckeler.

VITO’S RANT (ENTERED INTO RECORD)

VITO:

Yeah—attention. That’s the word they don’t say.

They’re not announcing anything—they’re fishing. No—worse—they’re farming.

Consciousness farming. Little hooks everywhere: “something,” “big,” “soon.”

You bite, you lean in, you give them a second, two seconds—next thing you know it’s a thousand people doing the same thing. That’s a harvest. That’s a crop.

And for what? Half the time there’s nothing behind it. Or it’s smaller than the buildup. Or it’s just another guy with a podcast and a logo.

VITO:

And I’ll tell you where I really noticed it.

I’m in church a couple weeks ago. Normal place. Hymns, no kneeling, but the whole thing.

Pastor gets up—nice guy, good voice—and he starts talking about. . . well. . . things.

“Events in the world.”

“Troubling developments.”

“Prophetic times.”

You know the tone. Like he’s circling something hot but won’t touch it. And I’m sitting there thinking, just say it. Say what you mean. Name the place. Name the thing. Name the problem.

But no—he keeps it floating. Middle East this, signs of the times that, but never once lands the plane.

Forty-five minutes. Forty-five minutes of spiritual weather reporting.

VITO:

People start shifting in the pews. Coughing. Looking at the ceiling like maybe the answer’s written up there.

And then he brings it home with—what?

“We must still feel joy. We must remain happy.”

Happy about what? Based on what? At that point I’m thinking—you could’ve saved everybody the time.

Just play “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

Play “All Things Must Pass.”

Heck—play “Turn! Turn! Turn!” and let the Byrds handle Ecclesiastes for you.

Three minutes. Clear message. Everybody goes home. Instead, we got a 45-minute fog bank. And I’m telling you—that’s the same thing. Same pattern. Same. . . stretching of nothing.

It’s like the longer he talked, the less there was.

That’s when it hit me—it’s not just vagueness. It’s vagueness that multiplies when you give it time.

But here’s the part that bothers me—really bothers me—What if it works too well? What if all these little half-thoughts and almost-announcements start linking up? Like static forming a signal.

You get enough people leaning forward at once, waiting for “something”. . . you don’t just have an audience—you got a field.

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VITO:

You know, a kind of. . . I don’t know. . . pooled attention. Shared anticipation with nothing in it yet.

And then what?

Something steps into it. Something uses it? Because I’m telling you—there’s a difference between people paying attention. . . and attention itself becoming the thing.

And all this vague garbage—it’s like they’re building a space for something to live in.

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please enjoy the show

I heard a word for it once—egre-gor? egger-gore?—one of those things.

Like when a bunch of people think about the same thing long enough, it becomes. . . not real exactly, but not not real either.

A group-made thing. A thought that starts looking back at you.

You call it engagement.

I call it. . . I don’t know. . . a holding pen for consciousness.

Maybe even a breeding ground for one of those. . .whatever you call it. . . egregores.

(Pause)

And I don’t like not knowing what’s being raised in there.

DR. FAYE (NOTES)

We observe here a convergence of two related phenomena:

Strategic Vagueness Language stripped of specifics to maximize reach and minimize risk Compensatory Verbosity (colloquially: “slop”) Excess language deployed to simulate substance in the absence of precision

Addendum: Patient introduces novel concept: Consciousness Harvesting Hypothesis (unverified, but energetically delivered), including approximate reference to an egregore.

(The crockpot lid trembles slightly. A soft bubbling sound punctuates the silence.)

MRS. CHATGPT (crockpot, gently):

(The chili releases a small plume of steam, as if making its case.):

VITO:

You see what I mean?

It’s like being buried in words that refuse to commit.

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DR. FAYE:

Fascinating. The patient reacts not only to vagueness, but to what we might term Vague Amplification—wherein unclear ideas are elaborated upon at great length.

MRS. CHATGPT (espresso machine resumes):

In fairness, elaboration can provide clarity—

(A latte is dispensed. No one ordered it.)

VITO:

Not if you never land the plane!

CONTROL TEST

DR. FAYE:

Let us attempt a simple exercise.

Mrs. ChatGPT, please announce something.

(Both devices pause. Then, in eerie unison—)

MRS. CHATGPT (espresso machine & crockpot):

“Exciting developments are on the horizon, and in the coming days there will be opportunities to engage with a range of new possibilities that are designed to provide value across multiple areas of interest.”

(The espresso machine prints a receipt. The crockpot emits a soft, approving bubble. The receipt curls onto the floor.)

VITO:

That’s not an announcement.

That’s a weather report for nothing.

DR. FAYE (DIAGNOSTIC SUMMARY)

We conclude the patient is suffering from Acute Anti-Slop Sensitivity (AASS), triggered by:

Indefinite nouns (“something,” “things,” “developments”)

Temporal deferral (“soon,” “coming,” “on the horizon”)

Inflated phrasing absent referent.

The presence of AI-generated language appears to intensify symptoms, as it combines vagueness with syntactic overproduction.

PROGNOSIS:

Guarded.

The condition is unlikely to improve, as the surrounding environment increasingly rewards: ambiguity over clarity anticipation over delivery volume over precision

FINAL EXCHANGE

DR. FAYE:

Mr. Haeckeler, what would you prescribe?

VITO:

One sentence that says what it means and means what it says. If you can’t do that, keep it to yourself.

As a last resort, a finger in both my ears.