Remarks Delivered by Vito Haeckeler at Hudson Basin Community College
Vito Haeckeler has been invited to deliver a commencement address as part of the school’s expanding Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Accessibility, Intergenerational, and Historical Lived Experience Initiative.
According to the faculty committee, Vito represented one of the most underrepresented and maligned identity groups remaining in modern America:
THE BOOMER
The administration believed his presence would expose students to a nearly extinct population once associated with:
- home ownership,
- affordable gasoline,
- pensions,
- and physical contact with machinery.
What followed exceeded expectations
Vito walked onto the stage carrying a little presentation remote and an acoustic guitar.
Behind him hung a large pull-down projection screen framed by red velvet curtains.
“Well,” he said, adjusting the microphone, “thank you for indulging my brief musical overture concerning the recent graduate and his rapidly evaporating employment prospects.”
Scattered laughter.
“I figured it was important to set the mood before discussing careers.
“Good afternoon, graduates.”
Polite applause.
“I was told this speech should be inspirational.”
He nodded seriously.
“So today I wanna talk about careers.”
A few students straightened up immediately.
“Specifically: careers that disappeared so completely people forgot they ever existed.”
CLICK.
Laughter.
CLICK.
CLICK.
Jobs for latchkey mothers in the workforce: Gone
Bigger laugh.
CLICK.
Now even faculty were laughing.
CLICK.
CLICK.
Today the cart is career ambition, the horse is actual job prospects, and AI is quietly learning how to pull the whole thing without us.)
Huge laugh.
Vito paced slowly.
“You notice something about these jobs?”
He pointed toward the screen.
“They all looked permanent right before they vanished.”
Uneasy laughter now.
CLICK.
That landed hard.
Vito nodded.
“Then the machine stole the job AND the name.”
The room got quieter.
“You kids think you’re different because your jobs happen indoors.”
Groans already beginning.
“You think because there’s kombucha in the break room your profession escaped history.”
Big laugh.
“You all want jobs where you answer emails from home in sweatpants while occasionally sayin’ ‘circle back’ during Zoom meetings.”
Now the students were laughing against their will.
CLICK.
The room immediately tightened.
Not applause.
Recognition.
Vito noticed.
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “There it is.”
The students already understood where this was going.
“These giant AI systems everybody’s buildin’? They ain’t magic.”
CLICK.
Maintenance tunnels.
Miles of pipes.
Water pumps
A few students actually booed.
Vito nodded calmly.
“Exactly.”
He pointed at the massive cooling pipes on the screen.
“You know what the future turns out to be?”
Now the audience was openly hostile.
“NO!” somebody yelled.
Vito slowly reached into his jacket pocket.
Pulled out a folded piece of paper.
“I wanna leave you with one word.”
Now the older professors started laughing already.
They knew.
Vito pointed at them.
“Yeah. Like The Graduate.”
Students groaning already.
Vito unfolded the paper dramatically.
The room exploded.
“OH COME ON!”
“No way!”
“You gotta be kidding me!”
Vito raised both hands.
“No no no — hear me out!”
CLICK.
The students were losing their minds now.
One graduate stood up:
“I DID NOT GO TO COLLEGE TO BECOME A PLUMBER!”
Vito pointed directly at him.
“NOBODY WANTS TO BECOME A PLUMBER! THAT’S WHY THERE’S NO PLUMBERS!”
Massive reaction.
Half laughter.
Half outrage.
“You all thought the future meant escaping physical reality!”
He jabbed the remote toward the screen.
“But the cloud is WATER-COOLED!”
Now security guards were visibly moving through the aisles.
“The future ain’t holograms! It’s industrial plumbing for robots!”
Students mock-chanting now:
“NO! MORE! PIPES!”
“NO! MORE! PIPES!”
Vito raised both hands.
“Alright alright, calm down!”
The auditorium was in complete chaos now.
Students booing.
Faculty panicking.
Somebody yelling:
“WE WERE PROMISED EMAIL JOBS!”
Vito nodded sympathetically.
“I know! I know!”
Then suddenly he brightened.
“Although. . . “
The room quieted slightly.
“There IS one growth field for college graduates.”
Silence.
A few hopeful faces.
Vito nodded seriously.
“Philosophy.”
Dead silence.
Then confused murmuring.
“See, eventually all these AI companies are gonna get in trouble for replacing everybody and accidentally teaching the robots Zionism or nihilism or whatever.”
Huge laugh.
“So the compromise is gonna be they hire thousands of philosophy majors to explain ethics to the machines.”
Now the students were listening despite themselves.
Vito spread his hands proudly.
“Finally! Socrates saves the economy!”
A few professors applauded instinctively before catching themselves.
“And all you gotta do. . . ”
Vito paused.
“. . . is go back to school another four years and get a doctorate.”
The room detonated.
Absolute pandemonium.
Graduation caps airborne.
One graduate screaming:
“THIS IS A PYRAMID SCHEME!”
Vito shouting over the chaos now:
“The future needs plumbers AND metaphysicians!”
CLICK.
Final slide:
Plumbers. Ethics Professors. Coal Miners.
(Deferred in the interest of national continuity.)
“See? Everybody was worried AI would leave young people with no future.”
Vito shrugged.
“But the Neo-con, Ziotech bros already got it all figured out for ya.”
He gestured toward the screen.
“Turns out the future still needs infantry.”
Black screen.
COUNCIL-OF CONCERNED-CONSERVATIONISTS…..Between Jest And Earnest….. 
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