FRESH OFF THE PONY EXPRESS

—Two Dispatches from Opposite Ends of the Horse.

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Featuring Vito Haeckeler on writers, AI, and professional panic. . . and Noor Singha Grudj on bringing Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion to casualty reports. 

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Dear Editor,

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of writers complaining about AI.

It writes slop. It cheats. It’ll never replace a real writer. Maybe they’re right. But something kept bothering me.

If AI is really that bad, why is everybody making such a fuss over it?

Maybe I’m missing something, but if the other fellow can’t hit the broad side of a barn, why keep looking over your shoulder?

They kept saying AI wasn’t a threat. They just didn’t sound like they believed it. Then I ran into another thing I couldn’t quite figure out.

Some people talked about AI-generated writing, where the machine supposedly does almost everything. Others talked about AI-assisted writing, where the person is still doing the thinking but uses AI the way somebody else might use a dictionary, a thesaurus, spell-check, or a research assistant.

I asked where helping ends and cheating begins. Nobody seemed able to give me the same answer twice.

Now don’t misunderstand me.

I’m not a writer. I just notice things.

Unlike writers, I have no exaggerated opinion of my own prose. I simply think my observations deserve to be presented clearly, my commas left where I put them, and my editor discouraged from improving what doesn’t need improving.

The funny part is that while these writers complain AI keeps repeating itself, they all seem to repeat the very same complaints.

“Slop, No soul, Cheating.”

By the time I’d heard them for the fifteenth time, I began wondering which one was the machine.

Anyway, I’m no writer. That’s just something I noticed.

Sincerely,

Vito Haeckeler,

C-of-C-C man-on-the-street
And merely: A Concerned Non-Writer

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Editor’s Note: We made only routine editorial suggestions, most of which Mr. Haeckeler brusquely declined. We also honored his request to be identified as a “Concerned Non-Writer,” having never thought to describe him otherwise. We considered removing his habit of making a point three times for emphasis—“Slop.” “No soul.” “Cheating.”—but decided we liked it. If artificial intelligence can imitate that, it has chosen a good model.

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And now a Second Letter from Our Council Gadfly

No collection of letters would be complete without hearing from Miss Noor Singha Grudj. True to form, she has identified yet another overlooked opportunity for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.

A More Inclusive Casualty List

Dear Editor,

At long last, I am delighted to see measurable progress in one of our nation’s most overlooked diversity initiatives.

Recent reports indicate that American casualties in the conflict with Iran are becoming noticeably more representative of our wonderfully diverse population. I applaud the long-overdue inclusiveness of the reporting.

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For too many years, casualty lists suffered from a troubling lack of demographic equity. Frankly, I had grown weary of seeing those casualty columns seemingly dominated by youthful, fit, European Americans eager to prove themselves, as though diversity itself had somehow failed to report for duty. How could the public possibly appreciate the military’s commitment to diversity without knowing whether sufficient representation had been achieved?

I therefore encourage the Department of Defense to publish a quarterly Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Casualty Report. Pie charts would be especially welcome. Every branch of service should proudly display its progress toward demographic parity among the fallen. Perhaps exceptional performance could even be recognized with a suitable award.

Some will no doubt insist that casualty reports ought to remain color-blind. I find that attitude deeply disappointing.

If we are truly committed to DIE—my apologies, DEI—then surely our casualty statistics should reflect that commitment with the same enthusiasm we bring to every other government report. I eagerly await the day when our casualty lists fully reflect the changing demographics of the American people, leaving no community underrepresented in the nation’s ultimate sacrifice.

I therefore look forward to the day when every weekly briefing includes a demographic breakdown of the fallen, so that all Americans may take comfort in knowing that representation has finally reached even the battlefield.

Sincerely,

Miss Noor Singha Grudj
Council Gadfly